These past few weeks, I have been working hard at taking care of Me. Starchild. I have been focusing a lot of health, trying to express to the universe my gratitude at having this body to rejoice in. My caffeine intake has gone from like six or seven cans of pop a day (eeek!) to one at lunch, instead replacing the soda with yummy lemon-water and delicious teas. I haven't smoked a cigarette in seven weeks. I have been exercising again, but more importantly, I haven't been beating myself up when I miss a day. I have been taking vitamins and other nutrient pills to achieve a better physical/mental/emotional balance.
I have always looked healthy, but after four plus years being involved in exotic dancing, adult modeling, or just modeling in general... I have learned that there is a difference between looking healthy and feeling healthy. Feeling healthy, to me, is feeling energetic and alive, feel proud of your own body but not letting it stress you out. I WANT to learn to accept myself for all that I am, to put a halt to the 'Not Good Enough' gremlin thoughts that have been extra persistant lately. I want to accept the changes that my body will go through, to embrace it. I want to feel balanced, no matter what.
Balance has been on my mind a lot lately, especially because I haven't felt so unbalanced in a long time. This seclusion has been causing a few issues with some people close to me, and their words were hurtful. Most people have been understanding, but there was a particular confrontation that caused a lot of guilty and ashamed emotions. It took a few days to sort through their accusations and the feelings that they provoked, but things are easier now.
I do not think I am being selfish or rude by taking this time to myself, to go into hibernation. I feel like I need this seclusion, I need to wrap my world and condense it into healing. Trying to heal the pain and the rage that has been overwhelming, but most importantly, trying to heal the fear that has been all but crippling. I can't be apologetic for taking steps that my soul tells me that it needs - but I am sorry that I am not being the friend that others need. I have not been giving others the energy that they require - I have been saving it up and keeping it for myself, curling it around me in thin gossamer strands. I don't have enough to share right now, and I think that is okay too.
I am trying to sort things out and it is a painful process, but today, it actually feels like it has begun. I can look back and see the steps that I have taken, wobbling footsteps that falter but never stop. I have actually found myself at rock bottom, and it is taking a lot of time to dig myself out, trying to cultivate this tool called self-love that I have never been able to master. There is so much more to work on, but I can recognize the progress that I have made. And I am proud of that.
It's a hard journey, and I am trying not to run too far, too fast. I am trying to take it slow, one day at a time, seeing where this road may lead.
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