Overwhelming Wonder

Surrounding myself with books of magical wonder and words that stir the passions within my chest, this day feels unreal. I am looking at the world in a new light, and reality has blurred together in ways that I cannot quite fathom yet. Suddenly, I am filled with overwhelming joy and awe, seeing the energy that connects each event to another, the energy that each person puts out into the world. I can feel my own, buzzing against my skin in unseen colors and it takes my breath away, makes me feel connected with the trees that are hundreds of feet away, makes me aware of the grass buried beneath the cold snow. I am a part of everything and they are a part of me, and today I feel that like I have never experienced it before.

I feel as if I am on the verge of amazing discoveries, like the mysteries of life have become a little more clear because they have become even more unfathomable. There is love and there is happiness and there is dreaming, and I have allowed myself to fall prey to the shadows of doubt and fear, chains to anchor down these bones while they sink to the bottom of the ocean to be buried beneath centuries of silt and sand. But there is no reason for doubt, there is no reason for this fear. Except to give strength to strive forward and achieve those dreams, to learn and evolve and change and discover.

I can feel the energy, I can feel the universe expanding around me, I can feel the world transforming as it has down for millions and billions of years, forever changing in bursts of miracles that we humans can’t even understand. This life is a miracle, this body that breathes and lives and explores, these experiences are miracles, these people who have come into my life and the way that they have shown me how to grow.

Thank you, Goddess, for giving me this glimpse and these realizations and this awe that makes my heart skip and dance around within my chest. These past few days have been filled with growth and change and words of healing and words of sorrow – each new thought has opened up another door which has opened upon a dozen more, and it is overwhelming in the most beautiful way.

I have soaked up the words of sunchildren with their hair locked into cables, decorated with beads of glass and wood, loving the world more intensely and more purity with every passing moment. I have devoured the wisdom of smooth-headed men in their orange robes and the serenity they always seem to possess, who have conquered their emotions and found peace within themselves. I have immersed myself in the teachings of men and women with proud eyes and feathers woven into their dark hair, who give thanks in dances and prayers and smoke, who know that each creation under the sun is a relation and a teacher to those who will listen. I have drowned in the knowledge of women with long flowing hair and pentacles hanging around their throats, who teach the magick of the moon and the mysteries of the spirits and how all worlds are connected. I have consumed the wild freedom of the chaotic travelers, the gypsy-souled beatniks who crossed the country and lived in the present and followed their own dreams, who knew that the only regret was a life left unlived.

I feel overwhelmed with words and wisdom and revelations, and I am still trying to sort out the things that I have learned, information still being sifted and processed, sinking into my skin like moon-kissed rain. I am lost in the magic of it all. Part of me is afraid that I shall wake up tomorrow and this wonder will be gone, but the larger part laughs and kisses such doubts away. The knowledge is within me, and even if I lose sight of it again for a little while, I will stumble across it again. I will keep learning and keep realizing until I know it by heart, until it is tattooed across my soul in growing vines as an Eternal Truth that can never be forgotten.

I feel so blessed and so grateful to be a part of this world.

Torn Conflictions

What do I do?

Do I break the heart and absolutely destroy the boy that I love?

Or do I continue to wait, growing more miserable by the day while I wait for the changes that I know are never going to happen?

I feel as if I have put these dreams on hold for the past year, pausing in the hopes that he will get his life together and be able to join me in this grown-up world. I love him more than I can possibly express- and no one has ever returned my love with such pure devotion. Everyone remarks on it, his sweetness and our happiness.

But I am slowly beginning to realize that I want more to life than this. I thought he could be my future partner in crime, my adventuretwin. But he is stuck, unable to take that last step out of childhood, unable to grow up and be the man that he is capable of being. I keep waiting, and I can't breathe at the thought of waiting longer. I want travel, I want adventures, I want to not live with our parentals, I want to see the wild world, I want to dance, I want to meet so many magical new souls. I have wasted so many years on boythings who couldn't grow up, who continued to break my heart. Now I find an angelboy who loves me, who would never even dream of hurting me..... And I find myself waiting again, holding my breath while the months pass and the seasons change, and I am still in the exact place I've always wanted to escape.

He tries, he tries so fucking HARD, but nothing changes. And waiting is breaking my heart. I have been waiting and waiting, and I have given up on dreaming because I don't think it will ever happen. But I love him. He is the perfect lover in every other way - he truly is.

If I leave, I honestly think it will destroy him. I truly believe that. It would break my heart into a million tiny shards - it would be the worst pain I have felt in a long, long time. But I know that I would survive. I don't think he would.

I can't breathe and I don't even want to wake up in the mornings, because I don't want to face this. But not making a choice is the same as waiting.

Why can't love be enough?

I don't know what to do anymore.