Warning: Negative Post Ahead
I haven't felt this emotionally volatile in a long time. October is always a very difficult month for me, and this year feels harder than ever. I haven't been writing in here lately because 1) my brand new laptop died and I won't have much internet access for a few weeks) and 2) I don't want people to have to read only negative entries.
I admire those people who can write only the positive things in their journal. But I am a very emotional person, and I feel everything with the upmost intensity. And I have a tendency of bearing everything to the world if I can get my fingers on a keyboard. I can't sort the good from the bad sometimes, and I neeeed a place to get it all out. All of the pain and the rawness and the screams and the snarls and the tears and every tender emotion that has been going through my head these past few weeks.
It feels like the more emotions I uncover, the more issues I discover. It is like an emotional minefield, and I keep discovering mindbombs that feel like they will tear me apart. The more I try to deal with, the more I try to heal, the more wounds I reveal. It is overwhelming and confusing and terrifying beyond belief.
I have dealt with mental illness since I was fifteen, so you would think that I would be used to it by now. But I am the type of person who refuses to be put on medication (I don't like putting chemicals in my body and pills typically zap away all of my creativity), and I have a tendency of pushing away therapists as soon as I feel like I am getting better. I have my labels, but I would rather learn to work my way through my issues and face them head on. This is generally where therapists and I disagree, so I try to deal with it on my own.
The thing is, these past two years, I thought I was better. I had a few intense badspirals, but for the most part, I was living a life that I was proud of. Adventures and clubbing and friends and raves and circuses, so many magical experiences. I was supporting myself, I was busy, I was working for a future. I was happy and I surrounded myself with peace and love and rainbows and sparkles and crafting, everything that brought me joy and reminded me of how lucky I was to be breathing.
I feel like I have taken a giant leap backwards. I thought I had healed, I thought that I had become stronger than my labels, but I guess the shadows were lurking inside of me all along. And now they are back, and the more I try to deal with them, the stronger they seem to get.
I can't sleep lately. I have a panic attack before I go to bed every night, because I am terrified that I will not wake up in the morning. Death has been constantly on my mind these past few months. This year has been filled with Death, and now I am conscious of my own mortality. Kajira thinks that this is a symptom of PTSD, after watching my own father die. I think she is right. Less than two weeks until the anniversary of his death, and I remember the terror in his eyes and how he was there one moment and then gone the next. And it feels me with terror, fills me with fear until I feel like I am actually dying, like the next breath I take will be my last. Then the panic attack happens.
I can't sleep, I keep breaking out into emotional outbursts of hysterical crying. I think I am going to quit my job before winter. The idea of driving through ice and snow two hours a day makes me panic. My brain has convinced myself that I will die in a car crash, and the idea of risking that is too much. I know this is crazy. But I can't help feeling this way.
I hate this panic. I hate this constant thread of fear. I hate these tears and this pain and how I am wasting these precious moments. I have myself locked up in a tiny cage and I can't open it up. I don't want to open it up. I miss my friends and I realize that the more I isolate myself, the unhappier I am.... But it is safer in here. I wish I could stay in my home until spring, warm and safe and without demands, dealing with all of these issues and emerging again in the spring, into sunshine and laughter and positivity.
I feel like I am going crazy, like I am losing control of this madness and I fear my own lack of strength. I miss my positivity, I miss my magic, I miss my own laughter and my wonder and joy at the world. Without that... I am just a gremlingirl, lost in shadows and being unable to tear her way free. I don't like this person that I have become these past few months, I don't like these emotions, and I don't like the fact that I feel weak and helpless and lost and alone.
I don't know what to do or how to move forward. I wish all of this would just fade away again.
