the miscarriage, I have been struggling with intense feelings of confliction and confusion, of hurt and gratitude, of pain and relief. Most of the time now, I can look back on it with acceptance, certain that my starbaby didn't come because the time wasn't right and he knew it, that I needed more years to grow and learn before I could be a good mama.
Then there are moments like last night, hours where I feel so tender and vulnerable. A friend who just went through a miscarriage of her own, who knows about mine, texts me pictures of her adorable little boy, one year old with golden hair, asleep in a high chair all covered in chocolate. And there is an intense knife-stab of pain through my chest, blinking away tears as this ache travels through my heart. I know that she didn't mean anything by it, that she wasn't trying to be insensitive or cruel, and thus, I felt guilty for feeling so badly. Ashamed that I couldn't be stronger, especially when I know in my heart that everything turned out for the best.
The gremlins clung to my mind after that, giving me a night of bad dreams and a stomach that cannot choke down food. I am aware of how disconnected I feel from my body, how foreign it is now. My moon cycle has been regular since I was twelve and a half years old, and I knew the ebb and flow of my emotions when the moon begin to grow and shrink.
Now, it comes irregularly. Every three weeks, then two weeks later, then three and a half weeks. I feel swollen and sick lately, which I know to be false. I still weigh my typical one hundred and four pounds. I don't feel fit and strong and free. I feel... constrained. Heavy. My emotions are all over the place.
My mind and body feel unbalanced, and I am not sure what I can do to align them once more. I am not sure how to feel in touch with myself again.
Perhaps I will actually try this meditation thing. I have never been good at it - meditation tends to give me incredible headaches, which is strange. Perhaps I am just not trying hard enough.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
A trip to the circus...
Things have been topsy-turvey in this starchild's world.
The other day, I had a long conversation with Kajira on the phone, feeling her long-distance strength that allowed me to open up for the first time in months. She mentioned how I had shut down after everything, numb to the world and silent behind these walls. This past week has been about trying to open myself up again.
Conversations with Kajira, making plans to hang out with my packbrother and his lovely faeriegirl, it even gave me the courage to open up my heart and pour out these tears into a long letter to Angelboy. I have trouble opening up to him, and he doesn't mind my freakouts. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me, spent hours making me smile with long walks and movie cuddles, those precious few moments of just us. He let me rant and listened to these fears and soothed them with kisses and that delicious smile.
Letting go of the numbness has been harder than I expected. I am not sure how to throw myself back into the game. I have become a hermit these past few months, seeing only Angelboy and my own amazing family. I wasn't sure how to interact with my friends. My lovely ragtag bunch of silly dreamthings, with their sunshine and their parties and drinking and greensmoke and battling with foam swords and club-dancing. I didn't know how to deal with them, couldn't relax enough to enjoy that summertime youth. Even now, I still feel ancient.
They are worried about fun and love and adventures and a thousand summer memories to be made, of staying up all night and watching the sun rise. And me... My heart is still aching for a little starthing, a shadow spiritbaby. They don't really understand these emotions, and honestly, I don't either. And so for months, I have stayed to myself. Closing in on myself. Shutting down. But something needed to change.
So this weekend, Angelboy and I decided to go have some fun. We drove up to Detroit to go see the Dubstep show, a mixture between a rave and a circus. Several friends of ours were performing as part of the fire guild, and it was good to see so many unexpected faces. There were masked-dancers who performed elegant feats, moving their bodies in the most surreal ways. My friend Mithris was pretty amazing as the spokesman, bringing his neverending energy to create a magical experience. Drum and bass flooded the building, crawling into your veins until you wanted to dancedancedance. Flec floated around doing his breath-taking contact juggling, Majik spun her poi in the most wonderful of ways. There were hoopers (my favorite!), with LED lights creating streaks of rainbows that kept glowing even when I closed my eyes. People were painting elaborate art works on the sides of the giant room, flourescent shades of technicolor beauty, and there was such a beautiful energy of creation and joy throughout the entire room.
Angelboy and I, of course, dressed up for the occasion. I dressed in my tribalgear and spikes, while he dressed all in his black and his collar, our makeup streaking extremely across our cheeks, decked out in our finest of glowing things. While most of the crowd was content with jeans and a t-shirt, we always take full advantage of being able to dress in costume.
It was good to dance again. Good to be around the fire, good to be around performers, good to be around such amazing vibes. Losing myself in the whomp of the speakers, the lights dancing while the djs spun, kissing angelboy and whirling and gasping and sweating and feeling... serene.
We stayed a few hours and then headed home again, a little more at peace with the world.
Today, the peace has faded a bit. Opening up isn't all easy, and I spent most of today being irritable and on-edge, anxious and panicky and crying over the silliest of things. One of those headspaces that gardening, hooping, and even the newest episode of True Blood and appearance by my favorite Godric couldn't cure.
Sipping on some forest fruit tea (in honor of midsummer's night eve!), and clutching a book from the amazing writer Francesca Lia Block, I think it is now time to retire. Curling up with magickal words with beautiful characters will hopefully calm these gremlin thoughts.
The other day, I had a long conversation with Kajira on the phone, feeling her long-distance strength that allowed me to open up for the first time in months. She mentioned how I had shut down after everything, numb to the world and silent behind these walls. This past week has been about trying to open myself up again.
Conversations with Kajira, making plans to hang out with my packbrother and his lovely faeriegirl, it even gave me the courage to open up my heart and pour out these tears into a long letter to Angelboy. I have trouble opening up to him, and he doesn't mind my freakouts. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me, spent hours making me smile with long walks and movie cuddles, those precious few moments of just us. He let me rant and listened to these fears and soothed them with kisses and that delicious smile.
Letting go of the numbness has been harder than I expected. I am not sure how to throw myself back into the game. I have become a hermit these past few months, seeing only Angelboy and my own amazing family. I wasn't sure how to interact with my friends. My lovely ragtag bunch of silly dreamthings, with their sunshine and their parties and drinking and greensmoke and battling with foam swords and club-dancing. I didn't know how to deal with them, couldn't relax enough to enjoy that summertime youth. Even now, I still feel ancient.
They are worried about fun and love and adventures and a thousand summer memories to be made, of staying up all night and watching the sun rise. And me... My heart is still aching for a little starthing, a shadow spiritbaby. They don't really understand these emotions, and honestly, I don't either. And so for months, I have stayed to myself. Closing in on myself. Shutting down. But something needed to change.
So this weekend, Angelboy and I decided to go have some fun. We drove up to Detroit to go see the Dubstep show, a mixture between a rave and a circus. Several friends of ours were performing as part of the fire guild, and it was good to see so many unexpected faces. There were masked-dancers who performed elegant feats, moving their bodies in the most surreal ways. My friend Mithris was pretty amazing as the spokesman, bringing his neverending energy to create a magical experience. Drum and bass flooded the building, crawling into your veins until you wanted to dancedancedance. Flec floated around doing his breath-taking contact juggling, Majik spun her poi in the most wonderful of ways. There were hoopers (my favorite!), with LED lights creating streaks of rainbows that kept glowing even when I closed my eyes. People were painting elaborate art works on the sides of the giant room, flourescent shades of technicolor beauty, and there was such a beautiful energy of creation and joy throughout the entire room.
Angelboy and I, of course, dressed up for the occasion. I dressed in my tribalgear and spikes, while he dressed all in his black and his collar, our makeup streaking extremely across our cheeks, decked out in our finest of glowing things. While most of the crowd was content with jeans and a t-shirt, we always take full advantage of being able to dress in costume.
It was good to dance again. Good to be around the fire, good to be around performers, good to be around such amazing vibes. Losing myself in the whomp of the speakers, the lights dancing while the djs spun, kissing angelboy and whirling and gasping and sweating and feeling... serene.
We stayed a few hours and then headed home again, a little more at peace with the world.
Today, the peace has faded a bit. Opening up isn't all easy, and I spent most of today being irritable and on-edge, anxious and panicky and crying over the silliest of things. One of those headspaces that gardening, hooping, and even the newest episode of True Blood and appearance by my favorite Godric couldn't cure.
Sipping on some forest fruit tea (in honor of midsummer's night eve!), and clutching a book from the amazing writer Francesca Lia Block, I think it is now time to retire. Curling up with magickal words with beautiful characters will hopefully calm these gremlin thoughts.
Monday, June 14, 2010
"Darling Faerygirl..."
Today, I got a surprise in the mail, a postcard from one of my best friends Kajira who lives out in Denver. We haven't been as connected lately, which I blame on myself. I have been wrapped up in my own world, my own haze, that I have badly neglected the friendships that I am so grateful for.
I opened my mailbox today to find an amazingly beautiful faerietale postcard, a painting of Snow White surrounded by the seven dwarves, her long black hair falling in a river over purple pillows, her prince kneeling beside her to peer at her face through the glass. The forest and the animals shimmer a bit, and it is the most amazing image I have seen in a long time.
And on the back, was this message:
"Darling Faerygirl,
I miss you so. Are you still sleeping, child? Wake up and realize that you hold all the gems, all the cards and luck tokens you need to set your path forward. We don't speak much but I know you are not fully blossomed yet. You stay reserved. Wake up, Sleeping Beauty. Consider this your magik kiss from your prince. You hold your own power. Let your light shine. Arise. Arise. Be your own guide. I love you. - Kajira."
It brought tears to my eyes, made my heart swell with love and gratitude and joy. This girl is amazing. She has helped me through so many things these past years. Taught me how to grow, how to explore myself, how to dream and live with no shame. And even with these past few months of silence and whispers, she refuses to give up on me.
She reminds me that the magick is still in my life.
I opened my mailbox today to find an amazingly beautiful faerietale postcard, a painting of Snow White surrounded by the seven dwarves, her long black hair falling in a river over purple pillows, her prince kneeling beside her to peer at her face through the glass. The forest and the animals shimmer a bit, and it is the most amazing image I have seen in a long time.
And on the back, was this message:
"Darling Faerygirl,
I miss you so. Are you still sleeping, child? Wake up and realize that you hold all the gems, all the cards and luck tokens you need to set your path forward. We don't speak much but I know you are not fully blossomed yet. You stay reserved. Wake up, Sleeping Beauty. Consider this your magik kiss from your prince. You hold your own power. Let your light shine. Arise. Arise. Be your own guide. I love you. - Kajira."
It brought tears to my eyes, made my heart swell with love and gratitude and joy. This girl is amazing. She has helped me through so many things these past years. Taught me how to grow, how to explore myself, how to dream and live with no shame. And even with these past few months of silence and whispers, she refuses to give up on me.
She reminds me that the magick is still in my life.
Start of Something New
This is the start of something new.
This is me finally taking the time to breathe. To stop living in the future, these daydreams that make me panic when they don't happen fast enough, the fear of so much wasted time. This is me finally learning to s l o w down.
This is me disconnecting from the internet, no longer using it as a way to numb all of these emotions. This is me stepping out into the sunshine, barefeet spread into the grass, trying to dig down like roots. Nose pressed against lilies, tropical reds and brilliant pinks and the warmest, happiest of yellows. Finding tiny little toadstools in rings in my backyard, being careful not to wander within, just glowing at the sight of all of those little mushrooms sprouting almost unseen in the grass. Fingers curled into the dirt of my new garden, crooning songs to my herbs and my veggies, singing Marley to my carrots and Dylan to my peas and Ms. Mitchell to my lavendar.
This is me picking up my hula hoop for the first time in months, giving it a spin around my waist and remembering all at once: thisiswhatpurejoytasteslike. Hooping for hours to techno songs and even while watching television programs, finally realizing how to knee hoop correctly, and planning new tricks in my head. My skin has the most delicious bruises upon it from starchild hoop, badges of learning, my trophies as a hoop warrior. Dancing in a ring, feeling free for the first time in a long time.
Now it finally feels like summer.
I am letting go of these shadows. Letting go of the hurt and the pain and these tears. Letting the numbness fade. Finding reasons to be grateful again. New adventures on the horizon, and they will come when it is time. For now, I am trying to stay in each given moment, and these days have found me with a strange sense of serenity. I am looking neither ahead nor back.
I just am.
And that feels beautiful right now.
This is me finally taking the time to breathe. To stop living in the future, these daydreams that make me panic when they don't happen fast enough, the fear of so much wasted time. This is me finally learning to s l o w down.
This is me disconnecting from the internet, no longer using it as a way to numb all of these emotions. This is me stepping out into the sunshine, barefeet spread into the grass, trying to dig down like roots. Nose pressed against lilies, tropical reds and brilliant pinks and the warmest, happiest of yellows. Finding tiny little toadstools in rings in my backyard, being careful not to wander within, just glowing at the sight of all of those little mushrooms sprouting almost unseen in the grass. Fingers curled into the dirt of my new garden, crooning songs to my herbs and my veggies, singing Marley to my carrots and Dylan to my peas and Ms. Mitchell to my lavendar.
This is me picking up my hula hoop for the first time in months, giving it a spin around my waist and remembering all at once: thisiswhatpurejoytasteslike. Hooping for hours to techno songs and even while watching television programs, finally realizing how to knee hoop correctly, and planning new tricks in my head. My skin has the most delicious bruises upon it from starchild hoop, badges of learning, my trophies as a hoop warrior. Dancing in a ring, feeling free for the first time in a long time.
Now it finally feels like summer.
I am letting go of these shadows. Letting go of the hurt and the pain and these tears. Letting the numbness fade. Finding reasons to be grateful again. New adventures on the horizon, and they will come when it is time. For now, I am trying to stay in each given moment, and these days have found me with a strange sense of serenity. I am looking neither ahead nor back.
I just am.
And that feels beautiful right now.
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