Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Jar of Hearts by Christina Perry

This is my life right now. It is always eerie to find a song that perfectly describes all emotions and present life situations situations. Past lovers trying to find places in my life again. Bringing up anger and sorrow and regret, all of the negative emotions that I never had a chance to work through. It would take hours to explain it all fully. So this is a summary in a song:



"Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perry.

On a more cheerful note, I have been working like crazy in my art journal. Soon, I hope to snag a camera to take some pictures!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Scars torn open...

This past month has blurred together and I can't even say what I have accomplished. These past two weeks have been especially difficult - all over the place and unable to figure out the reason for these emotions. I have been staying distracted by working like crazy in my art journal, but sometimes, it hits with full force.

I don't have enough inside of me to help myself, it feels. So I have been helping others. Trying to listen to their issues and problems, help them rather than focus on this emptiness. I can help them, I can listen, I can hug them and tell them they are wonderful. I can help take away some of their pain.

Today has been filled with helping friends, and one case in particular has triggered bad thoughts.

Recently, my ex broke up with the girl he left me for. We broke up a year ago after a year and a half of a relationship... I wish I could explain it. It was passionfireinspiration. It was magic and I was convinced absolutely. I never knew that emotions could be like that - I remember when I actually felt his soul. He felt mine, we touched and it blew our minds. Now, I wonder if it was all a delusion.

Short story was, he left me for her. And he left her without warning, without a reason, without a word. And she needed someone to talk to. She didn't have anyone else who could understand. So I stepped up. I listened to her tears. I tried to wipe them away. I told her she was beautiful and wonderful. That the pain was horrible and she didn't deserve it. That he didn't deserve someone so magical and wonderful. I wish I knew better words. I wish I could have warned her against the pain. I listened and I comforted and tried to take away a little of the pain. We talked for a long time.

And she told me things that really hurt. That tore upon wounds that I thought had been long healed, brought up so many issues of humiliation and confusion and hurt and sorrow. You would think that after a year, words would have the ability to lose their power. You would think that some things would stop hurting, that some cuts would stop bleeding.

I learned some truths that I wasn't ready for, and it brought up a lot of tough issues.

I talked about it later to my friend Monk (I am trying to force myself to open up to people more). Told him about this emptiness. Like in the movie Neverending Story, about the nothingness that is threatening to consume my world. Devouring everything.

He told me that he needed to give me a new name. People like to give me nicknames. No one ever calls me by my first name. They call me by my middle name Avonelle, or Starchild or Starfire or Little Wing.

He named me Kynn. It means love.

And this is what he told me:

"It's what you are. Boiled down to your essence. Everything about you, every action you take, everything... is just pure love. You appraoch everyone with love in your heart, and you love everything around you. Even when you are betrayed... Most of your pain comes from your confusion, because you love them, and why cant they just love you back?"

And I just cried and cried and cried. It really struck a chord and now my whole heart feels swollen and raw.

I guess it all boils down to this... I am feeling particularly vulnerable today. A bit of everything and nothing all at once, and it is an intense whirlwind that makes it hard to breathe.