My best friend in the entire world flew in from Colorodo and I broke my hermitage to visit her yesterday. She and I hopped into the car and had a mini-road trip to see our friend Dunes in Cleveland, who had also flown into town from California. This is the first time we have been able to hang out together in several years.
It was lovely. I got huggles and snuggles from Kajira, and I got big squeezing hugs from Dunes. We scarfed down delicious melts, which were like giant grilled cheese sandwichs with peroges and sourkraut inside of it. Yummyyummyyummy. Then we headed out for a night on the town, making a beeline towards a small hole in the wall punkrock bar. Great ferocious music, dark and twisted apocalypse paintings on the walls and ceiling, graffetti every where, supercheap mixed drinks, all sorts of crazy people.
It was an amazing night. Those two constantly take my breath away, they truly do. Dunes with his gypsy soul, the words painted on all of his clothes, his green hair, the three piercings in his nose, the necklaces draped around his neck, each amulent holding a different meaning. Kajira with her pigtails and her elegant grace and her spikes and the rainbow tattooed so vividly around her arm, the way that she smells so amazing whenever I hug her. I fully believe that she isn't human, that she has faerie blood running through her veins because she is the most magical person I know. They both are.
We met some interesting characters who came up and bought us shots, an old black man who gaves us hugs and bought us drinks and showed us pictures of his beautiful children and showed us his pride for them, he gave us hugs and kissed the cheeks of all three of us, left beaming and we laughed with delight at sharing in a stranger's joy.
We talked and we sang and we drank. Unfortunately, I drank way too much. Three rum and cokes and the shots of whiskey and the Long Island Iced Tea. When we got home, we drank a bit of wine and then I promply got ill. They took care of me, laughing and hugging me and holding back my hair, pretending I was their child and giggling when I made them promise to never let me drink "Lawn Islanders" ever again. For the first time ever, I have a bit of gaps in my memory, and that is a bizarre feeling.
But there was so much laughter and at one point, I apparently burst into tears over the past and they huggled and cuddled me until I was better. We all crawled into bed and passed out, snuggled into a puppy pile and I fell asleep with my fingers twined with Kajira's.
It was a magical night. I haven't felt that magic in a long time, feeling infinite and filled with joy and dazzling the world with starlight. It was good to feel it again, but now that it is gone, I feel the come-down. Kajira left for Colorodo again, and Dunes will be heading back to California soon. And I am left here, and I am afraid that the shadows will get too strong for me. I miss them, I miss them both, I miss being around soulmates and no judgments, soul-searching conversations that open the heart and make you fly.
They are my tribe.
It was an amazing night. I wish I had more of them.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
I am thankful for...
Things I am Thankful For:
1) My amazing family. I have a wonderful mother who is creative and teaches me to never give up. I have a sister whose strength amazes me. I have two little kidlings who have a huge chuck of my heart, a niece and nephew who are my world. I have a stepfather who delights in going on random adventures with me. And there are three cuddly kitties who are filled with mischief and purrs and are always willing to give hugs.
2) I am grateful for my Angelboy. He is such a beautiful human being, inside and out. He teaches me how to be a better person, he never lets a single day go by without reminding me that I am beautiful and magical and amazing. Before him, I was wild and crazy and I jumped from lover to lover without a care in the world. Now, I feel grounded and secure. Even when I don't have faith in myself, he believes enough for the both of us.
3) I am grateful for books. Words and images and the feeling of paper against fingertips, the books that have shaped my heart and the books that I have yet to read, the ones that are calling out to my soul. And there are the books that I have yet to write, that are lurking somewhere within this heart. Nothing calms me down like curling up with a book, which is probably why I do it every day.
4) Yummy vegetarian Thanksgiving feast. My madre is the bestest. People ask how I have been a vegetarian for almost ten years, whether it was difficult or not. It wasn't. My mother is an amazing cook, she always supported my decision, and she has taught me how to make the most delicious of recipes. One day, I hope to be as talented as she is. As it is, my tummy STILL feels full from Thanksgiving! ^_^
5) Self-expression. Having the ability to be the weird girlthing that I am, dressing in rainbows and fishnets, piercings and silly braids, or corporate clothes mixed up with my spikes, knitted gloves and my impressively growing collection of hats. I love the freedom to be whatever I want, whenever I want. I can be a faerie one day or an Indian the next - I can give voice to all of the sides of myself. It is truly a blessing.
6) Margaritas. Especially the ones that Angelboy makes. Yumyumyuuuum!
7) Crime Show maratons - Oh, SVU and CSI, you make my days complete. :)
8) Hooping! Even when I get bogged down in the busyness of life, you are always waiting for me. And every time I pick you up and spin you around, I get the biggest smile and I feel like I am a circusgirl extraordinaire, ready to take on the world without even needing a net!
9) Warm baths. Long soaks with the scent of lavendar and a glass of wine and a good book. This has been my main self-spoiling indulgance over the past few weeks.
10) Yoga! I forgot how amazing you were. And how much more balanced I feel after completing you.
11) Rajahmonster. Although I mentioned the kitties in my family, he deserves his own special slot. Because he is mine and I adore him and he is spoiled rotton. Today alone, I think he has cuddled with me for about five hours, while I watched television or read. Seriously, the most adorable monster kitty ever. I can never be angry with him. <3
12) My business. So far, it has been working out very well. I don't regret quitting my job for an instant, and I feel so much more satisfied in general. So much more content. Proof that following your heart and trusting in yourself will not lead you astray... Now I just need to keep up the momentum and keep the ball rolling!
1) My amazing family. I have a wonderful mother who is creative and teaches me to never give up. I have a sister whose strength amazes me. I have two little kidlings who have a huge chuck of my heart, a niece and nephew who are my world. I have a stepfather who delights in going on random adventures with me. And there are three cuddly kitties who are filled with mischief and purrs and are always willing to give hugs.
2) I am grateful for my Angelboy. He is such a beautiful human being, inside and out. He teaches me how to be a better person, he never lets a single day go by without reminding me that I am beautiful and magical and amazing. Before him, I was wild and crazy and I jumped from lover to lover without a care in the world. Now, I feel grounded and secure. Even when I don't have faith in myself, he believes enough for the both of us.
3) I am grateful for books. Words and images and the feeling of paper against fingertips, the books that have shaped my heart and the books that I have yet to read, the ones that are calling out to my soul. And there are the books that I have yet to write, that are lurking somewhere within this heart. Nothing calms me down like curling up with a book, which is probably why I do it every day.
4) Yummy vegetarian Thanksgiving feast. My madre is the bestest. People ask how I have been a vegetarian for almost ten years, whether it was difficult or not. It wasn't. My mother is an amazing cook, she always supported my decision, and she has taught me how to make the most delicious of recipes. One day, I hope to be as talented as she is. As it is, my tummy STILL feels full from Thanksgiving! ^_^
5) Self-expression. Having the ability to be the weird girlthing that I am, dressing in rainbows and fishnets, piercings and silly braids, or corporate clothes mixed up with my spikes, knitted gloves and my impressively growing collection of hats. I love the freedom to be whatever I want, whenever I want. I can be a faerie one day or an Indian the next - I can give voice to all of the sides of myself. It is truly a blessing.
6) Margaritas. Especially the ones that Angelboy makes. Yumyumyuuuum!
7) Crime Show maratons - Oh, SVU and CSI, you make my days complete. :)
8) Hooping! Even when I get bogged down in the busyness of life, you are always waiting for me. And every time I pick you up and spin you around, I get the biggest smile and I feel like I am a circusgirl extraordinaire, ready to take on the world without even needing a net!
9) Warm baths. Long soaks with the scent of lavendar and a glass of wine and a good book. This has been my main self-spoiling indulgance over the past few weeks.
10) Yoga! I forgot how amazing you were. And how much more balanced I feel after completing you.
11) Rajahmonster. Although I mentioned the kitties in my family, he deserves his own special slot. Because he is mine and I adore him and he is spoiled rotton. Today alone, I think he has cuddled with me for about five hours, while I watched television or read. Seriously, the most adorable monster kitty ever. I can never be angry with him. <3
12) My business. So far, it has been working out very well. I don't regret quitting my job for an instant, and I feel so much more satisfied in general. So much more content. Proof that following your heart and trusting in yourself will not lead you astray... Now I just need to keep up the momentum and keep the ball rolling!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Hooping Inspiration
This is one of my favorite inspirational hooping videos. Whenever I get into a bad headspace, I watch this and my heart feels better. When you are inside of a hoop, there are no shadows. Spiral has one of the most amazing flows - energetic and elegant all at once. One day, I will be this good. <3 <3 <3
Also, once Yule is over, I plan on buying myself a Business Warming present, a congratulations to myself for taking a risk and actually making things happen. I think it's gonna be an LED hoop. *happysighs*
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Strangeland
What is a starchild without dreams? Without glitter to hypnotize behind her closed eyes, without heights to soar upwards to, without an adventure to aim for? Hope is the wings of gossamer and webs, dew-covered aspirations that she could fight for, the song of the soul to offer to the stars and the bright smile of the moon.
Without dreams, she is just a small human girlthing, trapped in her own head by threads that she fears hold the beginning of madness. Apathy is the iron that burns her skin, makes her want to cringe and shrink away. There is no magic dust, there is nothing but this heart that is shrinking within her chest. Ivy is growing over this ribcage, heavy thorned limbs to keep the world safe while it falls to sleep, dreamless and safe.
But there is no safety, not in her skull. There is a lack of desire, lack of clarity, lack of emotions other than fear. Fear is her companion, those fingers wrapping around her ankles to draw her down into the swamplands, sinking further and further until her lungs draw in quicksand instead of air, silt against her teeth to silence the screams. She has been sinking for a while now - she was just too blind to notice.
There is no magic anymore and maybe there never was. She can't find even a glimpse of it now. Once, she used to dance. She used to go out and adventure, frolick like the faeriechild changeling she claimed to be, searching and claiming and seeking to sate her curiosity. She used to create, she used to write - the words used to spill off of her fingertips in a wonderful dazzle of letters and gems. Now, the words are stagnant and meaningless, only emerging when she opens a vein to slake the thirst of her quill. She used to make wishes on stars and cupcakes and rainbows and flowers - now, she doesn't have a single wish inside of her body. She searches in vain. Hope has rotted into emptiness.
So she withdrawls inside of herself, retreatss behind these walls and far away from those who might see the truth, who would despise her for the loss of her magic, for revealing the face of shadows and the weakness and losing all strength to fight for something - anything - once more.
The world has turned grey. Trapped in the mists, cold and lost and unable to cry out. All has turned to dust - crumbling marble and edged with cobwebs, fading and dying and turning into nothingness once more.
This is the present. This is the future.
It was always going to end up this way.
Without dreams, she is just a small human girlthing, trapped in her own head by threads that she fears hold the beginning of madness. Apathy is the iron that burns her skin, makes her want to cringe and shrink away. There is no magic dust, there is nothing but this heart that is shrinking within her chest. Ivy is growing over this ribcage, heavy thorned limbs to keep the world safe while it falls to sleep, dreamless and safe.
But there is no safety, not in her skull. There is a lack of desire, lack of clarity, lack of emotions other than fear. Fear is her companion, those fingers wrapping around her ankles to draw her down into the swamplands, sinking further and further until her lungs draw in quicksand instead of air, silt against her teeth to silence the screams. She has been sinking for a while now - she was just too blind to notice.
There is no magic anymore and maybe there never was. She can't find even a glimpse of it now. Once, she used to dance. She used to go out and adventure, frolick like the faeriechild changeling she claimed to be, searching and claiming and seeking to sate her curiosity. She used to create, she used to write - the words used to spill off of her fingertips in a wonderful dazzle of letters and gems. Now, the words are stagnant and meaningless, only emerging when she opens a vein to slake the thirst of her quill. She used to make wishes on stars and cupcakes and rainbows and flowers - now, she doesn't have a single wish inside of her body. She searches in vain. Hope has rotted into emptiness.
So she withdrawls inside of herself, retreatss behind these walls and far away from those who might see the truth, who would despise her for the loss of her magic, for revealing the face of shadows and the weakness and losing all strength to fight for something - anything - once more.
The world has turned grey. Trapped in the mists, cold and lost and unable to cry out. All has turned to dust - crumbling marble and edged with cobwebs, fading and dying and turning into nothingness once more.
This is the present. This is the future.
It was always going to end up this way.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Lost in beautiful and lovely musical discoveries that have set me in the most fae of moods tonight. Definitely a far cry from my industrial and my dubsteptribal music. Lovelovelove.
^ Mordred's Lullaby by Heather Dale.
^ Nocturne by Secret Garden.
^ Winter Solstice Song by Lisa Thiel.
^ Noon Solstice by Damh the Bard
^ Mordred's Lullaby by Heather Dale.
^ Nocturne by Secret Garden.
^ Winter Solstice Song by Lisa Thiel.
^ Noon Solstice by Damh the Bard
Changes
Hmmm... Interesting things, as of late.
Angelboy took me out to a really swank restaurant on Sunday. In all of the months that we have been dating, we realized that we have never had a nice dinner date. So we dressed up in our fanciest clothes - him looking delicious in a shirt and tie, contrasting nicely with his black hair and the silver hook dangling from his lip. I dressed in my emerald green dress with the black sash, silk and tulle that stops at my knees, so I could finally show off my cute black studded heels. And my collars, of course. The food was to die for, italian pasta that made my tongue dance, hot fresh bread dipped in oil, yumyumyuuuuuum. It was my first time trying white zinfandel wine, and it was quite a treat! We had a blast, and left the restaurant with stuffed tummies and glowing hearts. It was the first time in many many weeks that I have stopped being a hermit, and I was glad that Angelboy had the idea.
On Monday, I came into work and gave them my two weeks notice. I have been thinking about it a lot, and with winter around the corner, the idea of driving over two hours a day in ice and snow... I am convinced that I will get into a wreck and die. With Jack Frost getting stronger every morning, I figured that now was the time. I am tired of panicking about it every day.
I am actually quite excited about this new change. I won't miss the drive, nor will I miss working in an office. My madre agreed to let me work ten hours a week for her company, as she had been looking for an intern, and this will get me out of the house twice a week. In return, I have to start going back to counseling again. I agreed. At this point, I admit that I certainly could use some help.
In addition to working for my mother's company, I am going to spend the majority of my time working on my own. I am building the website and then I shall go out full-force and freelance - an opportunity that is both exciting and just plain terrifying. Gremlin thoughts of failure are abounding, the idea that my writing just won't be plain good enough.... But I try to ward those thoughts off with the reminder that I have been doing this kind of writing for several years, and in the last two months alone, I managed to get several jobs. This was without even really putting for an effort. So when I take the time to dedicate my energy and efforts towards building this business.... I mean, it has to work.
If nothing else, it is a change. It is a break in the monotony, leaving before a boring job where I spend almost my entire shift playing on Tumblr or just going through Facebook games... That isn't the kind of life I want. That isn't work to be proud of. So I am done.
I am moving on, moving to better things, making the change happen myself. And during all of this hard work, I will have more time to take care of myself, to go and talk to professional people who might help ease this terror that I have gone a bit crazy lately. More time to heal, more time to open up, more time to grow.
Bring it on. :)
Angelboy took me out to a really swank restaurant on Sunday. In all of the months that we have been dating, we realized that we have never had a nice dinner date. So we dressed up in our fanciest clothes - him looking delicious in a shirt and tie, contrasting nicely with his black hair and the silver hook dangling from his lip. I dressed in my emerald green dress with the black sash, silk and tulle that stops at my knees, so I could finally show off my cute black studded heels. And my collars, of course. The food was to die for, italian pasta that made my tongue dance, hot fresh bread dipped in oil, yumyumyuuuuuum. It was my first time trying white zinfandel wine, and it was quite a treat! We had a blast, and left the restaurant with stuffed tummies and glowing hearts. It was the first time in many many weeks that I have stopped being a hermit, and I was glad that Angelboy had the idea.
On Monday, I came into work and gave them my two weeks notice. I have been thinking about it a lot, and with winter around the corner, the idea of driving over two hours a day in ice and snow... I am convinced that I will get into a wreck and die. With Jack Frost getting stronger every morning, I figured that now was the time. I am tired of panicking about it every day.
I am actually quite excited about this new change. I won't miss the drive, nor will I miss working in an office. My madre agreed to let me work ten hours a week for her company, as she had been looking for an intern, and this will get me out of the house twice a week. In return, I have to start going back to counseling again. I agreed. At this point, I admit that I certainly could use some help.
In addition to working for my mother's company, I am going to spend the majority of my time working on my own. I am building the website and then I shall go out full-force and freelance - an opportunity that is both exciting and just plain terrifying. Gremlin thoughts of failure are abounding, the idea that my writing just won't be plain good enough.... But I try to ward those thoughts off with the reminder that I have been doing this kind of writing for several years, and in the last two months alone, I managed to get several jobs. This was without even really putting for an effort. So when I take the time to dedicate my energy and efforts towards building this business.... I mean, it has to work.
If nothing else, it is a change. It is a break in the monotony, leaving before a boring job where I spend almost my entire shift playing on Tumblr or just going through Facebook games... That isn't the kind of life I want. That isn't work to be proud of. So I am done.
I am moving on, moving to better things, making the change happen myself. And during all of this hard work, I will have more time to take care of myself, to go and talk to professional people who might help ease this terror that I have gone a bit crazy lately. More time to heal, more time to open up, more time to grow.
Bring it on. :)
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
No Apologies, Just Life
These past few weeks, I have been working hard at taking care of Me. Starchild. I have been focusing a lot of health, trying to express to the universe my gratitude at having this body to rejoice in. My caffeine intake has gone from like six or seven cans of pop a day (eeek!) to one at lunch, instead replacing the soda with yummy lemon-water and delicious teas. I haven't smoked a cigarette in seven weeks. I have been exercising again, but more importantly, I haven't been beating myself up when I miss a day. I have been taking vitamins and other nutrient pills to achieve a better physical/mental/emotional balance.
I have always looked healthy, but after four plus years being involved in exotic dancing, adult modeling, or just modeling in general... I have learned that there is a difference between looking healthy and feeling healthy. Feeling healthy, to me, is feeling energetic and alive, feel proud of your own body but not letting it stress you out. I WANT to learn to accept myself for all that I am, to put a halt to the 'Not Good Enough' gremlin thoughts that have been extra persistant lately. I want to accept the changes that my body will go through, to embrace it. I want to feel balanced, no matter what.
Balance has been on my mind a lot lately, especially because I haven't felt so unbalanced in a long time. This seclusion has been causing a few issues with some people close to me, and their words were hurtful. Most people have been understanding, but there was a particular confrontation that caused a lot of guilty and ashamed emotions. It took a few days to sort through their accusations and the feelings that they provoked, but things are easier now.
I do not think I am being selfish or rude by taking this time to myself, to go into hibernation. I feel like I need this seclusion, I need to wrap my world and condense it into healing. Trying to heal the pain and the rage that has been overwhelming, but most importantly, trying to heal the fear that has been all but crippling. I can't be apologetic for taking steps that my soul tells me that it needs - but I am sorry that I am not being the friend that others need. I have not been giving others the energy that they require - I have been saving it up and keeping it for myself, curling it around me in thin gossamer strands. I don't have enough to share right now, and I think that is okay too.
I am trying to sort things out and it is a painful process, but today, it actually feels like it has begun. I can look back and see the steps that I have taken, wobbling footsteps that falter but never stop. I have actually found myself at rock bottom, and it is taking a lot of time to dig myself out, trying to cultivate this tool called self-love that I have never been able to master. There is so much more to work on, but I can recognize the progress that I have made. And I am proud of that.
It's a hard journey, and I am trying not to run too far, too fast. I am trying to take it slow, one day at a time, seeing where this road may lead.
I have always looked healthy, but after four plus years being involved in exotic dancing, adult modeling, or just modeling in general... I have learned that there is a difference between looking healthy and feeling healthy. Feeling healthy, to me, is feeling energetic and alive, feel proud of your own body but not letting it stress you out. I WANT to learn to accept myself for all that I am, to put a halt to the 'Not Good Enough' gremlin thoughts that have been extra persistant lately. I want to accept the changes that my body will go through, to embrace it. I want to feel balanced, no matter what.
Balance has been on my mind a lot lately, especially because I haven't felt so unbalanced in a long time. This seclusion has been causing a few issues with some people close to me, and their words were hurtful. Most people have been understanding, but there was a particular confrontation that caused a lot of guilty and ashamed emotions. It took a few days to sort through their accusations and the feelings that they provoked, but things are easier now.
I do not think I am being selfish or rude by taking this time to myself, to go into hibernation. I feel like I need this seclusion, I need to wrap my world and condense it into healing. Trying to heal the pain and the rage that has been overwhelming, but most importantly, trying to heal the fear that has been all but crippling. I can't be apologetic for taking steps that my soul tells me that it needs - but I am sorry that I am not being the friend that others need. I have not been giving others the energy that they require - I have been saving it up and keeping it for myself, curling it around me in thin gossamer strands. I don't have enough to share right now, and I think that is okay too.
I am trying to sort things out and it is a painful process, but today, it actually feels like it has begun. I can look back and see the steps that I have taken, wobbling footsteps that falter but never stop. I have actually found myself at rock bottom, and it is taking a lot of time to dig myself out, trying to cultivate this tool called self-love that I have never been able to master. There is so much more to work on, but I can recognize the progress that I have made. And I am proud of that.
It's a hard journey, and I am trying not to run too far, too fast. I am trying to take it slow, one day at a time, seeing where this road may lead.
Monday, November 1, 2010
This is Halloween
One last splurge of Halloweenness before I officially admit that winter is about to strike.
Seriously... Can you say awesome? I want this house. I would keep all the lights up year round and annoy everyone everyday with glowing singing creepy voices. ^_^
Seriously... Can you say awesome? I want this house. I would keep all the lights up year round and annoy everyone everyday with glowing singing creepy voices. ^_^
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