Today, this Starchild isn't shining too bright.
Yesterday was a fantastic day. I got some time in with my two favorite kidlings, I came home to find an amazing package filled with delightful goodies on my porch, courtesy of the amazing Karen who was my swap partner for the WWP Mabon Swap round. She put a lot of thought and effort into my gifts, and I don't think I stopped smiling for the rest of my night.
That was the highlight of my week. Then enter today. This is Day Two of me not smoking... I had quit for a long time this spring/summer, but I started up again in July after my grandfather and my grandmother died within three weeks of each other. Cigarettes are my family's way of dealing with stress, but I don't feel healthy anymore. I miss that feeling.
So, I am quitting. And this is the day that brings on the anxiety, the frustration, the fear. Panic fluttering against my veins, throbbing against my throat until I want to scream and punch things and run away. Gremlin sadgirlthoughts circling my brain, and while I know that all of these negative emotions are just a symptom of nicotine withdrawal, it is still tough to handle.
I just want to curl up in my bed and cry, feeling overwhelmed by this discontentment with my life, of feeling like I was supposed to ride that train on down the track, but I fell off somewhere and now I just feel... lost. Waiting. Waiting for something to happen. But nothing happens because I am not out there MAKING it happen... A vicious cycle.
I am trying to focus on positive things, but it is hard. I think that soon, I want to go on a master cleanse diet, drink only the syrup/pepper lemonade mixture for about ten days. Tons of my tree-hugging friends swear by it. It cleans the toxins right out of your body, gives you energy and when it is done, your system is clean and ready to start over. I want to start eating healthy again. I have been a vegetarian for nine years, but my body doesn't crave veggies or fruits. It likes carbs and processed food and tons of soda. I want my body to WANT to eat healthy foods.
I want to start taking care of myself. I never have a problem taking care of others, but I never take the time to take care of myself. There are times when I just don't think I am worth it. I don't want to be like that. I want to be healthy. Reenergized. I want to wipe the two-months of dust off of my hula hoop and enjoy the sunshine before it disappears beneath snow. Get back into yoga, start meditating. Find that balance again. Learn to find the beauty underneath my own skin. I haven't felt that in a while.
Maybe if I start taking care of myself, some of these Anti-Starchild gremlin thoughts will go away.
Bah. Nicotine withdrawals, get over soon, please? I don't like these emotions right now.
Stay strong honey, and know that once you get past this low point the highs will make it all worth it. Try to stay positive and take things one step at a time. Focus your energy on smoking cessation for the moment and tackle the other issues once you are feeling fully comfortable with not smoking. It's hard but it's absolutely worth it. And you are worth it. I am sending lots of positive thoughts and strength your way.
ReplyDeleteHugs! You are a strong person. You've been through more than most. You are striving to better yourself and that just takes one step at a time. You don't have to change everything all at once. Just keep taking those tiny baby steps. You'll get there. HUGS HUGS HUGS!
ReplyDelete*superbighugs* You guys are great. Thank you for your strength and support - I wish I could tell you just how much it means to me. Knowing that there are people out there supporting me and sending me energy.... That really makes things a lot easier. And helps increase my determination to kick smoking in the butt once and for all!
ReplyDelete*more big huggles*
I just found your site while perusing the web. It's beautiful. And I watched the poi video. And it made me cry too. :P
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on making the move to quite smoking. I have one or two friends who smoke and they can't even make it that far. I know that everyone online will support you, but I also hope that your 3D friends will help you along to your goal too. :)