A trip to the circus...

Things have been topsy-turvey in this starchild's world.

The other day, I had a long conversation with Kajira on the phone, feeling her long-distance strength that allowed me to open up for the first time in months. She mentioned how I had shut down after everything, numb to the world and silent behind these walls. This past week has been about trying to open myself up again.

Conversations with Kajira, making plans to hang out with my packbrother and his lovely faeriegirl, it even gave me the courage to open up my heart and pour out these tears into a long letter to Angelboy. I have trouble opening up to him, and he doesn't mind my freakouts. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me, spent hours making me smile with long walks and movie cuddles, those precious few moments of just us. He let me rant and listened to these fears and soothed them with kisses and that delicious smile.

Letting go of the numbness has been harder than I expected. I am not sure how to throw myself back into the game. I have become a hermit these past few months, seeing only Angelboy and my own amazing family. I wasn't sure how to interact with my friends. My lovely ragtag bunch of silly dreamthings, with their sunshine and their parties and drinking and greensmoke and battling with foam swords and club-dancing. I didn't know how to deal with them, couldn't relax enough to enjoy that summertime youth. Even now, I still feel ancient.

They are worried about fun and love and adventures and a thousand summer memories to be made, of staying up all night and watching the sun rise. And me... My heart is still aching for a little starthing, a shadow spiritbaby. They don't really understand these emotions, and honestly, I don't either. And so for months, I have stayed to myself. Closing in on myself. Shutting down. But something needed to change.

So this weekend, Angelboy and I decided to go have some fun. We drove up to Detroit to go see the Dubstep show, a mixture between a rave and a circus. Several friends of ours were performing as part of the fire guild, and it was good to see so many unexpected faces. There were masked-dancers who performed elegant feats, moving their bodies in the most surreal ways. My friend Mithris was pretty amazing as the spokesman, bringing his neverending energy to create a magical experience. Drum and bass flooded the building, crawling into your veins until you wanted to dancedancedance. Flec floated around doing his breath-taking contact juggling, Majik spun her poi in the most wonderful of ways. There were hoopers (my favorite!), with LED lights creating streaks of rainbows that kept glowing even when I closed my eyes. People were painting elaborate art works on the sides of the giant room, flourescent shades of technicolor beauty, and there was such a beautiful energy of creation and joy throughout the entire room.

Angelboy and I, of course, dressed up for the occasion. I dressed in my tribalgear and spikes, while he dressed all in his black and his collar, our makeup streaking extremely across our cheeks, decked out in our finest of glowing things. While most of the crowd was content with jeans and a t-shirt, we always take full advantage of being able to dress in costume.

It was good to dance again. Good to be around the fire, good to be around performers, good to be around such amazing vibes. Losing myself in the whomp of the speakers, the lights dancing while the djs spun, kissing angelboy and whirling and gasping and sweating and feeling... serene.

We stayed a few hours and then headed home again, a little more at peace with the world.

Today, the peace has faded a bit. Opening up isn't all easy, and I spent most of today being irritable and on-edge, anxious and panicky and crying over the silliest of things. One of those headspaces that gardening, hooping, and even the newest episode of True Blood and appearance by my favorite Godric couldn't cure.

Sipping on some forest fruit tea (in honor of midsummer's night eve!), and clutching a book from the amazing writer Francesca Lia Block, I think it is now time to retire. Curling up with magickal words with beautiful characters will hopefully calm these gremlin thoughts.