Start of Something New

This is the start of something new.

This is me finally taking the time to breathe. To stop living in the future, these daydreams that make me panic when they don't happen fast enough, the fear of so much wasted time. This is me finally learning to s l o w down.

This is me disconnecting from the internet, no longer using it as a way to numb all of these emotions. This is me stepping out into the sunshine, barefeet spread into the grass, trying to dig down like roots. Nose pressed against lilies, tropical reds and brilliant pinks and the warmest, happiest of yellows. Finding tiny little toadstools in rings in my backyard, being careful not to wander within, just glowing at the sight of all of those little mushrooms sprouting almost unseen in the grass. Fingers curled into the dirt of my new garden, crooning songs to my herbs and my veggies, singing Marley to my carrots and Dylan to my peas and Ms. Mitchell to my lavendar.

This is me picking up my hula hoop for the first time in months, giving it a spin around my waist and remembering all at once: thisiswhatpurejoytasteslike. Hooping for hours to techno songs and even while watching television programs, finally realizing how to knee hoop correctly, and planning new tricks in my head. My skin has the most delicious bruises upon it from starchild hoop, badges of learning, my trophies as a hoop warrior. Dancing in a ring, feeling free for the first time in a long time.

Now it finally feels like summer.

I am letting go of these shadows. Letting go of the hurt and the pain and these tears. Letting the numbness fade. Finding reasons to be grateful again. New adventures on the horizon, and they will come when it is time. For now, I am trying to stay in each given moment, and these days have found me with a strange sense of serenity. I am looking neither ahead nor back.

I just am.

And that feels beautiful right now.