What do I do?
Do I break the heart and absolutely destroy the boy that I love?
Or do I continue to wait, growing more miserable by the day while I wait for the changes that I know are never going to happen?
I feel as if I have put these dreams on hold for the past year, pausing in the hopes that he will get his life together and be able to join me in this grown-up world. I love him more than I can possibly express- and no one has ever returned my love with such pure devotion. Everyone remarks on it, his sweetness and our happiness.
But I am slowly beginning to realize that I want more to life than this. I thought he could be my future partner in crime, my adventuretwin. But he is stuck, unable to take that last step out of childhood, unable to grow up and be the man that he is capable of being. I keep waiting, and I can't breathe at the thought of waiting longer. I want travel, I want adventures, I want to not live with our parentals, I want to see the wild world, I want to dance, I want to meet so many magical new souls. I have wasted so many years on boythings who couldn't grow up, who continued to break my heart. Now I find an angelboy who loves me, who would never even dream of hurting me..... And I find myself waiting again, holding my breath while the months pass and the seasons change, and I am still in the exact place I've always wanted to escape.
He tries, he tries so fucking HARD, but nothing changes. And waiting is breaking my heart. I have been waiting and waiting, and I have given up on dreaming because I don't think it will ever happen. But I love him. He is the perfect lover in every other way - he truly is.
If I leave, I honestly think it will destroy him. I truly believe that. It would break my heart into a million tiny shards - it would be the worst pain I have felt in a long, long time. But I know that I would survive. I don't think he would.
I can't breathe and I don't even want to wake up in the mornings, because I don't want to face this. But not making a choice is the same as waiting.
Why can't love be enough?
I don't know what to do anymore.
Use your heart as a compass and let it guide the way, if you follow what is true you will never be lost!
ReplyDelete"The hour is striking so close above me,
so clear and sharp
that all my senses ring with it.
I feel it now:there's a power in me
to grasp and give shape to my world.
I live my life in widening circles
that reach out across the world.
I may not complete this last one
but I give myself to it.
YOU ARE NOT DEAD YET, IT'S NOT TOO LATE
to OPEN YOUR DEPTHS by plunging into them
and DRINK in the LIFE that reveals itself quietly there."
-Rilke