Music

I have had this song stuck in my head ALLLLLLLL night. Like, seriously. The kind of song itch that won't leave, no matter how many times you listen to it, over and over again. But I mean that in a good way. ^_^



"Little Lion Man" by Mumford and Sons.

And here is another one.... I have a big weakness for acoustic raw songs.


"Black White Page" by Mumford and Sons

Overwhelming Wonder

Surrounding myself with books of magical wonder and words that stir the passions within my chest, this day feels unreal. I am looking at the world in a new light, and reality has blurred together in ways that I cannot quite fathom yet. Suddenly, I am filled with overwhelming joy and awe, seeing the energy that connects each event to another, the energy that each person puts out into the world. I can feel my own, buzzing against my skin in unseen colors and it takes my breath away, makes me feel connected with the trees that are hundreds of feet away, makes me aware of the grass buried beneath the cold snow. I am a part of everything and they are a part of me, and today I feel that like I have never experienced it before.

I feel as if I am on the verge of amazing discoveries, like the mysteries of life have become a little more clear because they have become even more unfathomable. There is love and there is happiness and there is dreaming, and I have allowed myself to fall prey to the shadows of doubt and fear, chains to anchor down these bones while they sink to the bottom of the ocean to be buried beneath centuries of silt and sand. But there is no reason for doubt, there is no reason for this fear. Except to give strength to strive forward and achieve those dreams, to learn and evolve and change and discover.

I can feel the energy, I can feel the universe expanding around me, I can feel the world transforming as it has down for millions and billions of years, forever changing in bursts of miracles that we humans can’t even understand. This life is a miracle, this body that breathes and lives and explores, these experiences are miracles, these people who have come into my life and the way that they have shown me how to grow.

Thank you, Goddess, for giving me this glimpse and these realizations and this awe that makes my heart skip and dance around within my chest. These past few days have been filled with growth and change and words of healing and words of sorrow – each new thought has opened up another door which has opened upon a dozen more, and it is overwhelming in the most beautiful way.

I have soaked up the words of sunchildren with their hair locked into cables, decorated with beads of glass and wood, loving the world more intensely and more purity with every passing moment. I have devoured the wisdom of smooth-headed men in their orange robes and the serenity they always seem to possess, who have conquered their emotions and found peace within themselves. I have immersed myself in the teachings of men and women with proud eyes and feathers woven into their dark hair, who give thanks in dances and prayers and smoke, who know that each creation under the sun is a relation and a teacher to those who will listen. I have drowned in the knowledge of women with long flowing hair and pentacles hanging around their throats, who teach the magick of the moon and the mysteries of the spirits and how all worlds are connected. I have consumed the wild freedom of the chaotic travelers, the gypsy-souled beatniks who crossed the country and lived in the present and followed their own dreams, who knew that the only regret was a life left unlived.

I feel overwhelmed with words and wisdom and revelations, and I am still trying to sort out the things that I have learned, information still being sifted and processed, sinking into my skin like moon-kissed rain. I am lost in the magic of it all. Part of me is afraid that I shall wake up tomorrow and this wonder will be gone, but the larger part laughs and kisses such doubts away. The knowledge is within me, and even if I lose sight of it again for a little while, I will stumble across it again. I will keep learning and keep realizing until I know it by heart, until it is tattooed across my soul in growing vines as an Eternal Truth that can never be forgotten.

I feel so blessed and so grateful to be a part of this world.

Torn Conflictions

What do I do?

Do I break the heart and absolutely destroy the boy that I love?

Or do I continue to wait, growing more miserable by the day while I wait for the changes that I know are never going to happen?

I feel as if I have put these dreams on hold for the past year, pausing in the hopes that he will get his life together and be able to join me in this grown-up world. I love him more than I can possibly express- and no one has ever returned my love with such pure devotion. Everyone remarks on it, his sweetness and our happiness.

But I am slowly beginning to realize that I want more to life than this. I thought he could be my future partner in crime, my adventuretwin. But he is stuck, unable to take that last step out of childhood, unable to grow up and be the man that he is capable of being. I keep waiting, and I can't breathe at the thought of waiting longer. I want travel, I want adventures, I want to not live with our parentals, I want to see the wild world, I want to dance, I want to meet so many magical new souls. I have wasted so many years on boythings who couldn't grow up, who continued to break my heart. Now I find an angelboy who loves me, who would never even dream of hurting me..... And I find myself waiting again, holding my breath while the months pass and the seasons change, and I am still in the exact place I've always wanted to escape.

He tries, he tries so fucking HARD, but nothing changes. And waiting is breaking my heart. I have been waiting and waiting, and I have given up on dreaming because I don't think it will ever happen. But I love him. He is the perfect lover in every other way - he truly is.

If I leave, I honestly think it will destroy him. I truly believe that. It would break my heart into a million tiny shards - it would be the worst pain I have felt in a long, long time. But I know that I would survive. I don't think he would.

I can't breathe and I don't even want to wake up in the mornings, because I don't want to face this. But not making a choice is the same as waiting.

Why can't love be enough?

I don't know what to do anymore.

Jar of Hearts by Christina Perry

This is my life right now. It is always eerie to find a song that perfectly describes all emotions and present life situations situations. Past lovers trying to find places in my life again. Bringing up anger and sorrow and regret, all of the negative emotions that I never had a chance to work through. It would take hours to explain it all fully. So this is a summary in a song:



"Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perry.

On a more cheerful note, I have been working like crazy in my art journal. Soon, I hope to snag a camera to take some pictures!

Scars torn open...

This past month has blurred together and I can't even say what I have accomplished. These past two weeks have been especially difficult - all over the place and unable to figure out the reason for these emotions. I have been staying distracted by working like crazy in my art journal, but sometimes, it hits with full force.

I don't have enough inside of me to help myself, it feels. So I have been helping others. Trying to listen to their issues and problems, help them rather than focus on this emptiness. I can help them, I can listen, I can hug them and tell them they are wonderful. I can help take away some of their pain.

Today has been filled with helping friends, and one case in particular has triggered bad thoughts.

Recently, my ex broke up with the girl he left me for. We broke up a year ago after a year and a half of a relationship... I wish I could explain it. It was passionfireinspiration. It was magic and I was convinced absolutely. I never knew that emotions could be like that - I remember when I actually felt his soul. He felt mine, we touched and it blew our minds. Now, I wonder if it was all a delusion.

Short story was, he left me for her. And he left her without warning, without a reason, without a word. And she needed someone to talk to. She didn't have anyone else who could understand. So I stepped up. I listened to her tears. I tried to wipe them away. I told her she was beautiful and wonderful. That the pain was horrible and she didn't deserve it. That he didn't deserve someone so magical and wonderful. I wish I knew better words. I wish I could have warned her against the pain. I listened and I comforted and tried to take away a little of the pain. We talked for a long time.

And she told me things that really hurt. That tore upon wounds that I thought had been long healed, brought up so many issues of humiliation and confusion and hurt and sorrow. You would think that after a year, words would have the ability to lose their power. You would think that some things would stop hurting, that some cuts would stop bleeding.

I learned some truths that I wasn't ready for, and it brought up a lot of tough issues.

I talked about it later to my friend Monk (I am trying to force myself to open up to people more). Told him about this emptiness. Like in the movie Neverending Story, about the nothingness that is threatening to consume my world. Devouring everything.

He told me that he needed to give me a new name. People like to give me nicknames. No one ever calls me by my first name. They call me by my middle name Avonelle, or Starchild or Starfire or Little Wing.

He named me Kynn. It means love.

And this is what he told me:

"It's what you are. Boiled down to your essence. Everything about you, every action you take, everything... is just pure love. You appraoch everyone with love in your heart, and you love everything around you. Even when you are betrayed... Most of your pain comes from your confusion, because you love them, and why cant they just love you back?"

And I just cried and cried and cried. It really struck a chord and now my whole heart feels swollen and raw.

I guess it all boils down to this... I am feeling particularly vulnerable today. A bit of everything and nothing all at once, and it is an intense whirlwind that makes it hard to breathe.

Evolution and Rediscovery

I feel in the state of constant evolution, and after so many month of stagnation, I can't express the joy that this is bringing to my heart. Pushing my boundaries, searching for the positivity and realizing all that I have to appreciate. Filling the moments I have with the activities that bring me joy, taking the time to close my eyes and feel the energy of the world coursing through my veins, feeling the same energy flowing through the air around me. It's a wonderful feeling.

My mornings have been filled with yoga, and I am amazed at how balanced this has made my body. Combined with the fact that for the last week, I have been indulging in a mostly raw diet (lots of veggies, salads, fruit smoothies)... Physically, I feel better than I have in a long time. So much energy, not lathargic, feeling mentally awake.

Emotionally, I feel like I am glowing again. I am looking in the mirror and seeing my sparkle begin to emerge once more. I thought that I had lost my magic, but after internet conversations with some dear amazing friends... I feel my magic returning. I feel confident again for the first time... in a long time. I feel like a Starchild again.

Also, I rediscovered my hula hoop. I haven't picked it up in months, and with all of this new energy, I have found my inspiration again. I forgot how amazing it feels, the circle of energy that forms with each spin, the way the plastic and tape grip my skin, learning new tricks, delighting in the tricks that my body has not forgotten yet.

Winter is here and I am excited. This is a period of growth, of inspiration, of self-discovery. This is going to be the winter that I always wanted. I can't wait. I am so thankful for my life right now. :)

Punktribe faerienight

My best friend in the entire world flew in from Colorodo and I broke my hermitage to visit her yesterday. She and I hopped into the car and had a mini-road trip to see our friend Dunes in Cleveland, who had also flown into town from California. This is the first time we have been able to hang out together in several years.

It was lovely. I got huggles and snuggles from Kajira, and I got big squeezing hugs from Dunes. We scarfed down delicious melts, which were like giant grilled cheese sandwichs with peroges and sourkraut inside of it. Yummyyummyyummy. Then we headed out for a night on the town, making a beeline towards a small hole in the wall punkrock bar. Great ferocious music, dark and twisted apocalypse paintings on the walls and ceiling, graffetti every where, supercheap mixed drinks, all sorts of crazy people.

It was an amazing night. Those two constantly take my breath away, they truly do. Dunes with his gypsy soul, the words painted on all of his clothes, his green hair, the three piercings in his nose, the necklaces draped around his neck, each amulent holding a different meaning. Kajira with her pigtails and her elegant grace and her spikes and the rainbow tattooed so vividly around her arm, the way that she smells so amazing whenever I hug her. I fully believe that she isn't human, that she has faerie blood running through her veins because she is the most magical person I know. They both are.

We met some interesting characters who came up and bought us shots, an old black man who gaves us hugs and bought us drinks and showed us pictures of his beautiful children and showed us his pride for them, he gave us hugs and kissed the cheeks of all three of us, left beaming and we laughed with delight at sharing in a stranger's joy.

We talked and we sang and we drank. Unfortunately, I drank way too much. Three rum and cokes and the shots of whiskey and the Long Island Iced Tea. When we got home, we drank a bit of wine and then I promply got ill. They took care of me, laughing and hugging me and holding back my hair, pretending I was their child and giggling when I made them promise to never let me drink "Lawn Islanders" ever again. For the first time ever, I have a bit of gaps in my memory, and that is a bizarre feeling.

But there was so much laughter and at one point, I apparently burst into tears over the past and they huggled and cuddled me until I was better. We all crawled into bed and passed out, snuggled into a puppy pile and I fell asleep with my fingers twined with Kajira's.

It was a magical night. I haven't felt that magic in a long time, feeling infinite and filled with joy and dazzling the world with starlight. It was good to feel it again, but now that it is gone, I feel the come-down. Kajira left for Colorodo again, and Dunes will be heading back to California soon. And I am left here, and I am afraid that the shadows will get too strong for me. I miss them, I miss them both, I miss being around soulmates and no judgments, soul-searching conversations that open the heart and make you fly.

They are my tribe.

It was an amazing night. I wish I had more of them.